


What happened?

by Mycaruba



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 07:44:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5860258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mycaruba/pseuds/Mycaruba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Arin finally get together, and are forced apart by circumstance; will things ever get back to the way they were before?</p>
            </blockquote>





	What happened?

Arin flinched and sucked in a quick breath through his nose; he watched as his character on screen fell down a pit that he'd been desperately trying to avoid. His eyes flicked towards Dan, who was holding his hands up and looking at Arin with no small measure of horror.

 

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...mess you up, man.” Dan's voice shook as he said this and his eyes scanned Arin's face for signs of real anger. Arin fixed him with a glare but found he couldn't maintain it for very long; the look of fear in Dan's eyes melted his annoyance pretty quickly. Besides, he knew why Dan had done what he had; in the past, before _all this_ happened, Dan had taken it upon himself to gently rub his hands along Arin's tight shoulders when he was focusing very hard on a game. It helped him concentrate, turning his slightly manic energy which always held an edge of panic into a deeper, calmer focus. He had loved when Dan had given those soothing touches; now, though, they apparently only served to make him _worse_ at difficult video games.

 

Arin sighed. “It's cool, man, just don't _bump my knee_ again,” he said, giving Dan a meaningful look. Dan nodded and somewhat awkwardly launched into a new conversation topic that lasted them the rest of the episode. As he talked, his heart pounded and his mind raced. Why the _fuck_ had he done that? He and Arin hadn't been involved for a whole month now, and things had been going...well, poorly, but he'd at least been able to keep himself from touching Arin in the same way he had when they were together. He just hadn't been thinking clearly, that was all; it was easy to let things like that slip when you had to spend hours a day sitting next to someone you'd been involved with. Dan had never been in this kind of situation before; usually, when he broke up with a girl, he twisted himself in knots trying to avoid seeing her, at least until his chest stopped hurting at the mere thought of her face. He'd never gotten himself involved with a close co-worker before, knowing full well that it was a terrible idea. Getting together with Arin hadn't been the best idea for a number of reasons, but...it had happened. The chemistry they shared was something even he, ladies man and expert at avoiding this kind of thing, wasn't able to deny. He had fucking fallen in love with his best friend. The kind of love that keeps you up at night, both giddy with thoughts of them and fearful of things going awry. Well, they'd gone awry all right. And here he was, making things worse than they already were.

 

Dan let out a deep sigh as Arin hit pause on the record button; when a minute had passed and neither of them were speaking, he opened his eyes to see Arin watching him. Dan's heart lurched at the look in Arin's eyes, at once so sad and pained and expectant. He snorted. What did Arin expect _him_ to do? He hadn't been the one who'd ended things. He knew he needed to be civil, though.

 

“Look, man, I really am sorry. I wasn't thinking, and it's just, you know, a habit thing.”

Arin didn't respond for a long moment; he appeared to be a bit lost in thought. Finally, he mumbled, “It only takes three weeks to break a habit, Dan.”

Dan smiled ruefully. “Well, I've always been above average in that respect, man. Takes me a long-ass time to drop my vices.”

Arin raised his eyes to Dan. “Am I a vice?”

“Apparently,” he said acidly.

 

He bit his tongue, wishing he could take back what he'd said as soon as it was out. He hadn't meant to sound so testy, but he was feeling particularly salty about the whole situation today. Last night he'd had a dream about Arin; in it, they had been blissfully happy together and planning on spending the rest of their whole damn lives with each other. When he'd woken up and remembered the reality of the situation, he had actually grabbed a pillow and screamed into it for a good few minutes; he'd explained the hoarseness in his voice this morning by saying he must be coming down with something. The dream had left him feeling raw and helpless, no less terrible than his very first heartbreak. Somehow though, this one was worse. Whenever he started dating some new girl, he knew full well that there was plenty of potential for pain and heartbreak; although he didn't realize it himself, each shitty, hurtful breakup was making him give less and less of himself to each new person. There was only so much a person could freely offer before they became a little bit cynical. With Arin, he hadn't even realized a relationship was an option; he'd opened his heart and mind and life to this wonderful new person, pouring himself into their friendship and getting just as much back. Once he realized he was head over heels for the guy, it was way too late to turn back and pretend the feelings didn't exist.

 

When they finally confessed their feelings to each other, Arin had been so...wonderfully brave. His quiet, soothing confidence that this wasn't something to be afraid of had quieted the endless chorus of voices in Dan's head. Voices that told him this wasn't who he was, that he was just confused, that it was a bad idea to get involved with someone he worked so closely with, that this would just complicate everything, seemed to wash away at the feeling of his fingers intertwining with Arin's, at the sight of his boyfriend's adoring smile and glowing eyes when he looked at Dan. Besides, he knew that he was already making things complicated when he fell in love, so why shouldn't they go ahead and give it a shot? Things had gone surprisingly well, for the most part. Suzy had been quietly supportive, Barry and Ross had shrugged their shoulders and gone about their day, and Brian had needled Dan for a solid week about how he'd seen this coming a mile away. A certain subset of the fans had been tremendously happy for them, and the ones who weren't...well, who really gave a shit about them? Dan would rather lose a few thousand subscribers than hide himself and their relationship from the world. He started getting dozens, sometimes hundreds of emails a day, from people who gushed about how their coming out had affected their lives, how they were an inspiration to the youtube community. Dan didn't know if he'd go that far; he didn't think of himself as anything except a regular guy trying to live his life. But when he saw Arin's eyes shining at the mention of these messages and the proud smile that spread across his face, he felt his heart lurch and knew he'd done the right thing. Things had been going great with them, so...

 

“What happened?” Arin whispered, barely moving his lips. He looked up at Dan, silently imploring.

“You _know_ what happened, Arin,” Dan intoned, annoyance lacing his every word. Arin nodded; he knew what had taken place, but he couldn't stop himself from going over it in his mind, again and again, as if he could find a solution to this impossible situation if he just looked hard enough. Dan broke his tense reverie with the most hateful thing he'd ever heard come out of the man's mouth.

 

“You _broke up_ with me...remember?”

Arin felt a sudden flash of anger; Dan _knew_ how hard this was for him, so why couldn't he be a little more forgiving?

“I didn't...I didn't _want_ to, Dan, I had to.”

“You didn't _have_ to do anything, alright? You made a choice, so just stick to it already and stop...stop torturing yourself.”

Arin's eyes flicked up towards Dan's face; some of the anger had dissipated, and he was looking at Arin concernedly. “You chose Suzy, and I'm just gonna have to live with that. So stop tormenting yourself for my sake.”

 

Arin understood why Dan was having a little trouble coping; he'd probably be pissed if he were in the same position. Suzy had come to him in tears, almost four months after he and Dan had started dating, and told him that this was hurting her. She told him, with shame in her eyes and a hitch in her voice, that she had tried to be okay with it, but seeing him be close and intimate with another person wasn't something she could handle anymore. The knowledge that he had been inadvertently hurting his wife for months, and that she had been suffering in silence for his sake, made him want to drop to his knees and beg for her forgiveness. She hadn't wanted an apology; she'd only wanted to tell him her feelings, and was more than willing to give him space and time for him to work this out. She'd gone off to visit her parents for a week, with the implication that he'd have an answer for her hanging heavily in the air as she made her departure. He'd watched her plane leave with a fierce love burning inside him; as he had driven home, however, he'd felt a heavy dread creep into his chest that made him want to heave. He loved Dan with all his heart; he'd never felt this strongly about anyone before. Except Suzy. And now he was being forced to choose between them. He'd spent the week wracked with guilt; he knew that he had to break someone's heart, someone who he'd never wanted to come to harm. Every time he'd tried to think logically about the issue, Suzy's smell or Dan's face would butt into his consciousness and he wouldn't be able to hold back his tears. It was an impossible choice, but he had to make it, and he finally settled on Suzy. She was his wife, his life partner; they lived together, had been best friends for ten years, and he didn't feel right throwing it all away. Breaking up with Dan didn't feel right either, though; it had been probably the hardest thing he'd ever have to do.

 

The conversation lasted most of the night and had ended with Dan on his knees in front of Arin, wailing about how it wasn't fair, how he didn't deserve to be thrown away like this. He had felt like a knife was plunged into his chest at Arin's words, and all his assurances that they would remain friends and work partners only made things worse. In that moment, he had hated Arin; he hadn't wanted to continue a relationship with him in any capacity. Dan hadn't been able to be in the same room as Arin for a week, and had only just started to feel up to recording Game Grumps with him a few days ago. In all honesty, they would probably have to scrap these tense, humorless episodes, but they needed to get back into the swing of things somehow. This was all just a temporary roadblock to what would hopefully be a good working relationship again. Or at least, that's what Dan and Arin kept telling themselves. In that moment, with Arin looking at Dan pleadingly, asking him for...something, he didn't feel like things would ever be okay again.

 

“It's not just for your sake, Dan. I...I feel regretful, okay? I do. I know how badly I hurt you, and...I'm sorry. This is just...so impossible.”

Dan carded a hand through his hair and sighed. “I know. When I can calm down and think rationally, I know how hard this must be for you. But there's still a part of me that's _really_ hurt. That'll never stop _being_ hurt. And every time I look at you, that part of me aches a little bit. Or a lot, on bad days.”

“Is today a bad day?”

“Yes,” Dan said in a small voice.

“Then let's forget about the games for a while, okay? Let's just...watch a movie or something. If you want to hang out, I mean.”

Dan smiled sadly and nodded. He did want to remain friends with Arin, but that seemed like such a daunting task at the moment. He made himself more comfortable, smiling in gratitude when Arin handed him a blanket and feeling a warmth in his chest when he selected The Last Unicorn from the Netflix queue. Arin always knew just how to make him feel better; that's why this was so damn hard to let go of. He sat down next to Dan, not too close, but perhaps just a touch closer than platonic friends might sit. As the movie played, Dan let his mind drift and felt some of the tension ease off of him. He was glad, then, that he hadn't cut Arin out of his life completely; being here with him, watching his mouth curl up in amusement at the humorous moments of the movie made him remember why he'd fallen so hard. It wouldn't always be so painful, would it? There would come a time when he and Arin could go back to the way things had been, just two close friends who relished each other's company and made each other laugh...right? Midway through the movie, when Dan was feeling much more relaxed, Arin turned to him with a soft look in his eyes. The pleading, desperate look had been replaced with something like resignation, though it was still tinged with sadness.

 

“We gonna be okay, Dan?”

Dan thought for a moment, rifling through his most recent emotions and eventually coming to the conclusion that they _had_ to be okay eventually; he wasn't willing to lose Arin's friendship over what had happened.

His mouth turned up a bit at the corner, the ghost of a smile; but at least it was something.

“Yeah, man, we'll be okay.”

“Good.”

Arin smiled and turned his head back to the screen; after a moment, he reached out and covered Dan's hand with his own, brushing his thumb gently against Dan's. Dan felt his heart quake; he took a deep breath and let it out, and he felt the tension pass. All that was left was a fondness for the man next to him that would never truly die.

_We'll be okay._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this post: http://seasonoftheswitch.tumblr.com/post/137492244982/quietly-suffering-while-i-sit-in-the-same-room-as


End file.
